Rea'l Talk

Let's have a talk about diarrhea.  I know, you're thinking, Really, lady? It's Friday night. But you know what, I'm a mom and diarrhea waits for no one.  No. One.

We learned a new word today in our house: Diarrhe'd. 

I will have to admit that I'm not sure if I put the air comma in the correct space.

(Oh, I'm sorry, you might not be familiar with the term "air comma." That would be the easy way to spell apostrophe).

 But I digress, back to diarrhe'd. As I am a former English teacher, I have always found that definitions are best understood in context.  So, here's how it went down.

I ran upstairs to grab something and when I came back downstairs, one of boys, who had previously been fully clothed moments before, was now in his underwear.  This occurrence in and of itself is pretty common--who doesn't like to run around in their underwear in the middle of the day, right?  Ask my husband, he'll tell you.

"Son," I say.  "Where are your clothes?"

"Not on me anymore," he says.  And yes, please note the sarcasm cause I'm kind of proud.

As a mom, I have begun to really hone my questioning tactics.  For example, questions should be as specific as possible.  If there's too much wiggle room, you'll never get the right answer. It's exactly like an attorney trying to nail a witness on the stand.  So, I try again.

"Why don't you have your clothes on anymore?"

"Cause I diarrhe'd on myself," he replies.

"Diarrhe'd?"

"Diarrhe'd," he says.  "Come and see." (Words everyone wants to hear when we're on this topic).

So I follow him to the bathroom and check.  I can't tell you how often I look at poop as a mom.  I can talk pretty freely about poop in general now.  Poop.  Poop.  Poop.  Not even cringing.  It's a fact of life, people.

"Yup, you definitely diarrhe'd."

"I don't think I can go to school tomorrow," he announces.

"Good thinking.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  You should not go to school."

"Oh well," he continues, undeterred.  "I should probably stay home on Tuesday." (I'm impressed with his quick thinking.  Monday is a holiday).

So, based on this, I think we can define diarrhe'd as "The act of having just had diarrhea, especially how it can be used as an excuse to get out of school."

(I also imagine there's some poor kid running around named Diarrhe'd. You know, like, "Diarrhe'd, don't play in the toilet." or "Diarrhe'd, get your fingers out of there." Poor kid probably has to tell everyone where to put the air comma).
 
Anyway, it should be a fun (or is crappy the right word?) weekend.

Isn't it always?



*I would like to dedicate this blog post to Steve Smith, who saw the potential in a blog post about diarrhea.  Thanks, Steve.  Everyone else thanks you too.