Don't be alarmed if you finding me surrounded by your baby pictures and crying tomorrow. It's not that I'm upset or mad. I'll be a little sad but mostly happy. I love looking at pictures of you, remembering how tiny you were when you were born, how you smelled brand new, how you spent most of your time curled up on my chest by my heart. You were this tiny little person your daddy and I prayed for and waited for. A precious little baby full of endless possibilities.
Tomorrow you will be ten years old. You aren't so tiny anymore and you aren't exactly smelling brand new anymore (I'm not quite sure what that smell is but it's nothing a shower can't kill). You can't curl up on chest anymore or even my lap. In fact, you make me ask for hugs now.
We've seen so very many changes in you this year. You're stretching your legs a bit and trying to find your independence. I'll admit this scares the snot out of me sometimes but I know it's important for you to face the world on your own. After all, you've been doing that one way or another since you were born. You've always made your own way in a world that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to you and you don't just survive, you thrive!Seven year ago this month, you were officially diagnosed with autism. It was a hard, hard day when I sat down with the psychologist to go over your evaluation. I knew it was coming. I knew the words she would say but it still hurt. Let me be clear. I was not embarrassed by your autism or angry about your autism. I was hurt. Some of that hurt, selfishly, was for me because things would be more challenging for me as your mom. But most of my hurt was for you because I knew things would just be harder for you and it broke my heart. There was a lot of tears that day, sad tears.
But you didn't much care about having autism. You were just content to be you. Every day since that diagnosis you've surprised me, made me smile, made me want to pull my hair out, made me laugh, made me so, so proud.I'll tell you a secret, just between you and me. I love all of your brothers and sister just as much as I love you but I love you all differently. You will always be special to me, not because of your autism (although that makes you special in a different way) but because you were my firstborn. You were the sweet little boy who made me a mom. I know it was ten years ago but I will never, ever forget seeing you for the first time, marveling at each tiny part of you, thanking God for the gift that is you.
So, just remember you will always be my baby even when you're taller than me (and that will happen practically any day now) and you think you know more than me (which will also happen practically any day now). I will always be your biggest fan. I'll cheer the loudest, smile the widest, fight the hardest, and hug you the tightest. I will always have your back, even when you make mistakes, especially when you make mistakes. All I ask is this: you keep being you, kid. You keep being exactly who God made you to be. You keep smiling and laughing, struggling and overcoming, working hard and falling down, and surprising everyone with your intelligence and wit and everything that makes you Daniel.
You are still full of endless possibilities and I can't wait to see how you shine.
I love you,
Mom
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