Ben is eight years old but, for a long time now, I've known what his gifts are. It's not just because I'm his mom either. Many people--friends at church, family members, teachers-- have pointed out that our boy has a compassionate, gentle spirit and we have seen him in action--being kind to everyone, finding the person by themselves and including them, embracing differences. What is awkward and stiff for many of us, comes naturally to him. But, to Ben, this isn't anything special. In fact, if you asked him what he was really good at, he'd just shrug and tell you, "Nothing Much."
We moved into our first house about four years ago and Ben had just turned four. Across the street from us lived an elderly couple, probably in their 80's. It wasn't long before Ben made friends with Mr. Jim and Miss Alicia. Ben spent hours at their house. Miss Alicia liked to do jigsaw puzzles so he'd help. She'd bake cookies and he'd help with that too. Mr. Jim enjoyed showing Ben how to fix things around the house or the car. They'd talk for hours about all sorts of things. It soon became clear that Ben had a best friend and he was about 80 years old.
As his mom, it was sweet to watch. Jim and Alicia had been married for years but had no children together. Alicia had a son from a previous marriage that was passed on. I never saw any grandchildren. They doted on Ben and Ben doted right on back. Ben doesn't see his grandparents very often. Nannie lives across the country and he doesn't see Grandpa much. So having a set of surrogate grandparents right across the street was a dream come true for him. Being the middle brother between two brothers with autism naturally comes with more responsibility and it was nice for him to have a place to hang out and relax.
As his mom, it was sweet to watch. Jim and Alicia had been married for years but had no children together. Alicia had a son from a previous marriage that was passed on. I never saw any grandchildren. They doted on Ben and Ben doted right on back. Ben doesn't see his grandparents very often. Nannie lives across the country and he doesn't see Grandpa much. So having a set of surrogate grandparents right across the street was a dream come true for him. Being the middle brother between two brothers with autism naturally comes with more responsibility and it was nice for him to have a place to hang out and relax.
Sadly, late one night in early July, just a few weeks ago, Miss Alicia passed away suddenly. I dreaded sitting Ben down and telling him. Ben has never had anyone close to him pass away before and Miss Alicia was special to him. I knew he would take the news hard.
The next morning, I snuggled up to him in his bed and told him the news. He sat up quickly, his breathing turning rapid, but he tried so hard to not show how devastating the news was. "Really?" he asked. "She really died."
"Yes, she really did. It's okay to be sad about it. It's sad news."
He nodded and took a deep breath and then curled up on my lap and cried. I rubbed his back and cried too.
Over the next few weeks, I noticed that Ben was avoiding Jim. If Jim was outside, Ben quickly headed inside. If I bought up Jim or Alicia's name, he said he didn't want to talk about it. I caught him a few times staring out his window at Jim's house with this look on his face. It broke my heart.
"Ben," I'd say. "Why don't you go and say hi to Mr. Jim? He's outside right now."
The next morning, I snuggled up to him in his bed and told him the news. He sat up quickly, his breathing turning rapid, but he tried so hard to not show how devastating the news was. "Really?" he asked. "She really died."
"Yes, she really did. It's okay to be sad about it. It's sad news."
He nodded and took a deep breath and then curled up on my lap and cried. I rubbed his back and cried too.
Over the next few weeks, I noticed that Ben was avoiding Jim. If Jim was outside, Ben quickly headed inside. If I bought up Jim or Alicia's name, he said he didn't want to talk about it. I caught him a few times staring out his window at Jim's house with this look on his face. It broke my heart."Ben," I'd say. "Why don't you go and say hi to Mr. Jim? He's outside right now."
"I don't want to," he'd say immediately.
Finally, one day, I prodded him to go. I could tell he was nervous. but I also knew he missed his friend. "What do I say?" he asked anxiously.
"Tell him you're sorry and that you'll miss her too," I said. "Say what's on your heart. It will be okay. I promise."
He nodded and walked slowly across the street. Mr. Jim smiled and waved him over. I watched as they went to sit in front of Jim's SUV where he'd been tinkering with something. I couldn't see them but I still watched for a moment, to make sure Ben wasn't about to fly back across the street in tears.
About ten minutes later, I loaded everyone up to run an errand and yelled for Ben. "Coming," he called and ran across the cul-de-sac, grinning.
About ten minutes later, I loaded everyone up to run an errand and yelled for Ben. "Coming," he called and ran across the cul-de-sac, grinning.
"Was everything okay?" I asked.
He nodded. "We didn't talk about it really. It's nice to just be friends and not say much."
I was struck by the fact that Ben knew something many of us adults take years to figure out. Sometimes being a friend, showing compassion and understanding, isn't about what you say, it's just about showing up.
I pray that Ben never, ever loses this gentle, compassionate spirit he has and the way he understands things so naturally. It's a gift from God; Ben just doesn't know that yet. One day, he will. I often wonder if having two brothers with autism contribute to this and, yes, it probably does. Sibling of special needs children tend to be a rare breed. But, I also think that Ben was given special gifts that are uniquely his, just like each of our children. Being a parent means I get to see how these gifts play out as each of them grow; what a blessing that is.
I pray that Ben never, ever loses this gentle, compassionate spirit he has and the way he understands things so naturally. It's a gift from God; Ben just doesn't know that yet. One day, he will. I often wonder if having two brothers with autism contribute to this and, yes, it probably does. Sibling of special needs children tend to be a rare breed. But, I also think that Ben was given special gifts that are uniquely his, just like each of our children. Being a parent means I get to see how these gifts play out as each of them grow; what a blessing that is.
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