His Provision: When I'm feeling discouraged

I have been in such a discouraging (and difficult) mood of late. My anxiety and fear look like anger.  My depression looks like exhaustion and procrastination.  I've not been fun to live with.  It just feels like the harder I try, the more I seem to fail. It's one thing when I just have to worry about myself but feeling like I'm failing my children? That's gut-wrenching.

I was working on a blog post about how I'm feeling (blogging as therapy, right? Cheaper than the real thing) and started looking up verses about how God is our provider. This one hit me upside my head:

Who provides for the raven its prey, when its young ones cry to and wander about for lack of food? (Job 38:41)

It seemed particularly pertinent to our situation since we're trying hard to give to our children what they need, things like therapy for their autism and help for Ben's dyslexia. I am not sure why we are in the situation we're in. My husband and I have always worked hard to listen to God, to be "good Christians." And yet, two of our children have autism. Why does it feel like God made our burden so heavy?

Feeling this way has accomplished nothing except making me feel sorry for myself and has taken my focus away for what I know to be true. So, I forced myself to make a list of how God has provided for our family in very specific ways. Sometimes simple things like this help me to gain perspective on my circumstances. When I finished, I felt lighter, like God was whispering to me, "I've got this."

This is the list I made. Some things may not make sense, some things are small, some things are big but all of them were provided by God.

1. Our house: It is exactly what we asked for.  Big enough for all of us, large backyard, not a busy street, in a quiet neighborhood and under budget.
2. Our health insurance
3. My husband's job:  
4. Two paid for vehicles:  Sure, they aren't pretty or new but they get the job done.
5. Enough money for the boys to continue occupational therapy for the next ten weeks.
6. ABA therapy for the past seven years.
7. Our church family: They've loved on us and taken care of us more than I could ever say.
8. On more than one occasion, an anonymous gift card or cash that was just enough to see us through.
9. Air conditioning in our minivan (and the provision for having it fixed).  
10. Friends who are like family
11. Therapists with hearts and passion for working with children with autism
12. Buddies at our church to help the boys  participate in Sunday school
13. Case managers at our insurance company that have listened and advocated for us.

I'm not going to tell you my discouragement and fear are gone. That would be a lie. But I can look at this list and take a breath, find a moment of rest in the knowledge that God has always been faithful to me, even when I've doubted. Maybe especially when I've doubted. He won't fail me now.

My list is far from complete. There are many things I can add and more to come. How God provides for me is still a mystery. It may not look like what I think it should or be the answer to prayer I was hoping for.

Instead, it's better, it's bigger, it's perfect. It's exactly what I need.

How has God provided for you recently in a very real way? I'd love to hear about it!
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I've been struggling about adding this next bit. I've added it, erased it, added it, erased it, published and now I'm back. We have recently started a YouCaring campaign to help pay for some medical/therapy bills for the boys. I"ll going to leave the link to the campaign here. Please do not feel obligated at all to donated (and I hope I haven't offended anyone). I know many families, both those with children with autism and without, are struggling right now.

We've love it if you could share the link and we covet your prayers most of all! I will only share this once and not bring it up again. Thank you so much for reading anything I write. It means the world to me!

YouCaring Campaign for the Boys' Autism Therapy

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