A New Way to Do New Math

Ah, homework, how I hate thee.  I think I hate it more than my kids do.  I balk and put it off.  "Oh. we'll do it after dinner."  The kids are happy to agree.  And then after dinner, it's sort of forgotten about until the next morning when we are racing around to get ready and pack lunches and find shoes and brush teeth.  Plenty of time to add in a full page of math problems.  More than enough time to read a story about George Washington and answer a question or three.  No problem.

Wrong.

The worst of the worst homework is math homework.  I think I'm a (fairly) competent, fully functioning adult.  I have a college degree.  I even graduated with honors (a completely useless fact, especially since I lose brain cells each time I give birth).

And yet . . . and yet . . . this math homework. Remember when math homework in the third grade was to memorize your multiplication facts so that you could kick everyone's butt when you played "Around the World?"

Those days are long gone.  Here's what the new math sounds like:

Directions: Please do this 15-step math problem.  You have a quarter inch of space to do it in.  Write an accompanying essay on how you solved this problem; use pie charts, diagrams, and number graphs whenever possible.  Repeat for questions 1-10. Remember to ask your parents to help you and then tell them they're doing it wrong. Bonus points if you make them feel like an idiot.

Listen up, Moms. Tonight I came up with a new way to do this new math.  It is the answer to all your cries to heaven to make the math homework go away in just three easy steps. 

You. Are. Welcome.

1) You need the proper supplies:

2) Every time one of the following is said (by you or your child), take a healthy sip of wine:

"I hate homework."
"That's not how you do it."
"I hate math."
"Why does the kid in this math problem have such a weird name?"
"I don't know."
"I don't care what the answer is."
"Why can't your father help you with your homework?"
"I can't find my pencil."

3)  Who cares?  I can't really remember if we finished the assignment or not.  I was, however, very relaxed and happy.

Three easy steps.  You got this, Moms!

*Note to self: Get more wine before picking the kids up from school tomorrow.