Pity

I wrote this a few years ago during a particularly bad period when I felt very isolated and very frustrated.  It's a little dark (for me, that is), I do apologize, but very honest, especially then. To be clear, it's not directed towards any one person but a conglomeration of many people.
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I see you over there, trying not to stare at us.  The look on your face is a cross between relief and fear but mostly pity.

You give me a weak smile, a little wave, and a nod of understanding but inside your relief is overwhelming.  Thank God, you're thinking.  Thank God that's not me. 

You're careful to keep your distance.  Of course you know autism isn't contagious but, then again, getting too close doesn't seem ideal.  You'd rather be a conscientious observer.  Aware but not involved. A month for autism awareness?  Perfect.  Then you don't have to think about it again until next year.

Maybe my children make you uncomfortable.  They are loud and messy and they don't hold back.  If they are sad, we know it.  If they are happy, we know that too.  They don't much care if you're watching and they care even less about how you're feeling. 

But I care.  I see your pity and I hate it. 

Pity is supposed to be an expression of compassion and understanding but the pity you show is false.  Your pity is tainted with relief.  You only understand enough to think my situation is worse then yours.  Your compassion is expressed briefly and insincerely with useless words, "Oh, I'm so sorry." 

You aren't though.  Not really.  I'm thankful it's not me, you think.  And you mean it.

You're wrong too.

My children having autism does not make me worse off than you. It makes my struggles different.  It makes my struggles obvious and public.  My "blessings" may not look like blessings at first but my boys are beautiful, ruthless honest, pure in motives.  They don't look to hide who they are, even if who they are makes other uncomfortable.

Keep your pity.  Stop telling yourself that smiling and nodding and acting compassionate and understanding is the same as actually being compassionate and understanding.

What you are is uncomfortable and a little afraid.  That's okay.  Those are honest emotions.  It's a first step.  If you want to be comfortable, be uncomfortable first.  Work your way through it.  Ask me questions. Watch.  Help. Celebrate the good days with me.  Give me a hug on the bad days. I need friends, people to love on us, people on our side.

Don't give me empty words and empty stares.  Don't keep your distance and come close every now and then and expect that to be enough.  Don't be so rigid that you can't see that these little people are more important than your feelings. You miss out everything when you do this.  You miss out on how your life will be blessed. You are a fool.

I wonder who should be pitied now?