Someone threw a temper tantrum in our house today. It was pretty bad. There was yelling and eye-rolling, stomping of feet and waving of fists. Okay, it was me. I threw the temper tantrum. In my defense, I'm in survival mode. School was canceled. Therapy was canceled. My husband's office was closed. And it's Monday.
It's like the Perfect Storm.
That's ironic because our city was shut down due to very heavy rains that is now being called a 500 year flood. We are, thankfully, very safe and dry, although our street was flooded this morning and most of our town is still under water.
You may be thinking, Well, you get a free day to hang out and do nothing. After I finished laughing, I would tell you, "There's no such thing as a free day around here. And the more there is nothing to do, the more some of our kiddos go craaaaazy."
At first, the day went pretty well. Even though my husband's office was closed, he still had to work from home. He sat at the dining room table with his computer, finishing up last minute "Tax Day" business. I got breakfast for the kids, chocolate chip muffins, which made me very popular and awesome.
That lasted approximately six minutes.
Ben decided he needed to go outside and see the flooding. That then quickly turned into, "Why can't I get in the water?" and then moved rapidly to, "You're the worst mom ever. You hate me." It wasn't quite 9 a.m. yet and I was already losing any cool points I started the day with.
I was also losing any patience I might have developed while I slept (not much). People make the (mistaken) assumption that because I have two kids with autism, I must be very patient. I'm really not. No, I'm not just saying that. I. Really. Am. Not. Patient. I have to work really hard to keep my frustration in check. I can do it most days but today . . . .
One of the things our boys with autism need is structure and routine. They like the sameness of knowing what's going to happen each day and it helps to make them feel comforted and happy. Even the smallest change from sitting next to a new person in class or, yes, a free day at home can begin to bring out behaviors. You have to understand: behavior is communication. When you're non-verbal or even limited verbally, behavior is how you express yourself.
So, after I got Ben situated, and endured the death rays he sent me periodically, Gideon came out swinging . . . literally. Someone (okay, me) had left the Kindles in the van last night so they were not charged and Gideon was bored. And when Gideon is bored . . . .
At first it was little things. Putting many inappropriate things in his mouth for one. (If I say, "Get that out of your mouth, Gideon" once a day, I say it twenty times a day). Then he moved on to drive-by pinching which quickly escalated to hitting whomever happened to be next to him and finally, a new treat, kicking. I tried to redirect and get him interested in other things but today . . . .
Meanwhile, Daniel played quietly on his iPad. It's just that he has this new behavior where he taps a fork on the floor with his foot while he's playing with it. I hear this high-pitched tapping all the way upstairs in my bedroom. Most of the time I block it out but today . . . .
And then there's Katherine who insisted on climbing me like she's a monkey. Feet in my face, arms wrapped around my eyes, all the while demanding me to "Read books now." I can usually deal with that but today . . . .
Finally, the husband, maybe having sensed my frustration or hearing me ask 19,000 times if I could please go be by myself for a while, sent me up to my bedroom for some quiet time. Or a time out is probably more appropriate. I was grounded, okay.
I tried to take a nap. I tried to read. I tried to write. Nothing was calming me. All I could think about was what a disaster my house was and my ungrateful, half-dressed children who were surely at that very moment making an even bigger mess and eating everything they could put their hands on.
So, I stomped downstairs and made lunch. I didn't smile though. Not once. Kind of like how a teacher doesn't smile before Christmas, well, I wasn't smiling before bedtime today. I made grilled cheese (only one child protested. Others may have tried but they saw it didn't go well with the first kid and wisely kept their mouths shut). I announced we would be Cleaning the House after lunch. The ensuing groan was loud and long.
I didn't care. I was on a mission. To clean my house and make my children's lives' miserable.
My husband escaped upstairs for a nap. I sat down to eat lunch and Gideon, who, if you remember, is bored, somehow, someway, found a light bulb to break on the kitchen floor. It shattered everywhere and he laughed.
And I saw red.
This is where my temper tantrum really started and, honestly, it had been building all day. So, I spent the better part of two hours demanding and yelling and just being angry. It was exhausting and not the least bit productive. Some of my anger was not unwarranted. I did have quite a bit of attitude from a couple of children and another that refused to take no for an answer.
Sometimes, though, I just feel angry for no good reason. My schedule was thrown off today. My routine was broken. I was not planning to have a houseful of bored children. We didn't have a fun family day watching movies or building forts. My behavior was definitely communicating my displeasure, as sinful and un-righteous as it is. I started to think that this may be how Daniel and especially Gideon feel when they can't seem to express themselves. I see how Gideon, who can't use his words, may pinch or hit or break things so he can get someone's attention. I can see how frustrating that must be for him.
The difference is that I'm a grown up. I know better and I can use my words.
I'll be spending my evening apologizing to my family. Parenting is a humbling experience and one in which I constantly feel like I'm making mistakes. I'm thankful that children, somehow, have huge amounts of forgiveness in their little bodies and very short memories. Tomorrow is a new day. There will be new ways for me to mess up and more opportunities to humbly seek forgiveness.
But maybe tomorrow I'll get it right?
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